Juice cleanses. They detoxify. They replenish. They’re wicked trendy. So what better way to clear out your system after Thanksgiving than an ultra-sleek, three day juice cleanse, right? Well I don’t know if it was something I did or my Groupon acquired juices had turnt, but what I received did NOT make my skin glitter like a damn vampire or make my eyes shoot rainbows. Let’s take you on my little journey in failed juicing.
The week before: Order the juice, feel like I’m going to finally start turning this life around. Oh, and I start telling everyone I meet
because I’m a damn hero for this shit. No food for 3 days? Worship me!
The instructions say to pick a few days where you’re at work or otherwise occupied, since you’re more likely to eat when you’re bored at home on the weekend. Makes sense. So I thaw the first day of 6 juices on Sunday night and wake up bright and early to start my first day on
Juice one is a sweet green juice that goes down easy for breakfast. I’ve been drinking green smoothies and juices for a while now, so this doesn’t bother me at all. In fact, it’s quite delicious! I go to a few meetings and sit in our cramped little office with about five other people, feeling great about the day ahead of me.
Juice two comes with a little headache. I read up that headaches are common, especially if you’re a coffee drinker, which I am. But this starts to affect my vision it’s so bad, so I take two Advil and start chugging water as I move on to juice three.
I make it three sips into my second green juice of the day and realize
Not only does my head feel like it’s four sizes too large, but I start to
feel like I might just
And that’s when it happens. I bolt out of the room, thanking any and every deity that I wasn’t in the middle of a meeting, and purge the contents of my stomach, including those two Advil I took. I stopped drinking the juices and switched to water for the rest of what seemed like an endless day in the office. I tried not to talk for fear that I might ralph again. And then I
again on the car ride home. Pulled over just in time to note how little street parking is available in LA, found a spot, and decorated the ground with could only be bile at this point. Went home, had soup, slept from 7-9, 9:30 until the next day.
I still have the rest of my juices in the freezer, ready to thaw maybe one a day once I get over the PTSD from the experience. But so ends my juice cleansing.
Has anyone else out there had a similar experience or am I juice intolerant?